Playing games with OCD
You see the term “OCD” many times, but rarely used in its actual sense. It doesn’t mean that you are a neat, tidy person who likes stuff to be organized. It isn’t a term used to describe people who make their bed every night. Experience may vary, but there are definite signs that you have OCD and cleaning your desk once in a while ain’t it.
I have been diagnosed with OCD, a while back, while also experiencing severe panic attacks. After learning that I suffer from this disorder, I started to think back and I understood that it’s not something new in my life. Specifically, I can remember myself experiencing the same symptoms that prompted the doctor to start thinking that I could have OCD, since I was still in school, more or less at age 12.
Some people check doors and handles, or double-check simple stuff many times; the way people experience their OCD is not just one.
Me, well, I count. I count how many sips of my beer I drink in one go, I count how many steps I touch while going up a ladder, I count many things really, everyday stuff and also rarer, and I have some “magic numbers” at which I have to stop counting, for all to be OK.
I don’t really know why I have to raise/lower the TV volume until it hits the specific numbers 7, 9 or 11, but that’s how it goes. It’s not like “I DRANK 8 SIPS OF WATER, THE UNIVERSE IS GOING TO IMPLODE”, I don’t really freak out when I don’t abide by the “rules”, but there is indeed discomfort when it happens.
If I actively think about it, I can break or at least bend the rules, but most of the time I don’t think that I am drinking water when drinking water, so I just gulp a specific number of sips, every time.
Over the years, counting got a lot harder, because sums got introduced -don’t ask me how, or when, or, you know, why. I don’t have to turn the dial to 7,9 or 11: it can be a sum or multiple or something like that. But never 6, and never its multiples. So, I can stop at 14, but not 15 because 1+5 equals 6 and six is forbidden. I can drink 18 sips because 18 is 9 times 2 and also 1 plus 8 equals 9, all good numbers, or at least not bad.
So, you understand, sometimes counting is not a breeze, and it really can take up some of my everyday time.
Then, there’s video games. Of course, counting random things doesn’t manifest only in my real life, when I am camping outdoors or fighting with wild bears or whatever people do when they go out. Gaming is affected by OCD, at least in my experience. I mean, I am not trying to explain how this disorder works or anything, I am not an expert or a doctor, I just know what I feel and, let me tell you, it is indeed annoying.
First of all, there’s counting things. For instance, I count the hits I land on an enemy. As with the other things, the last number I count has to be 9, 7 or 11. But, OK, a bottle of water is easy to predict; I can estimate its content level and manage my sips accordingly, so that they don’t exceed the magic numbers.
But a boss with no health bar? Not that predictable. I may count to 15 and then, on hit 16, the boss falls. Well, 16 is not the worst, I would think to myself. It does include the number 6, also 1 times 6 is, well, 6, but then again 1+6 equals 7, which is a good number, not just mediocre like 2, for instance. It is a tough choice, but I can manage ending on 16.
However, if it’s on 24, it is bad. Not as bad as a plain 6, but 2x4 is 8, neutral number, 2+4=6, and there is no obvious way to get the magic numbers out of it, as hard as I try, without getting into deeper math, of which I am definitely no master. It is surely not in my life plans to learn advanced mathematics at 34 years of age just to be able to neutralize the bad numbers while hitting a goblin.
However, the lack of life bars is not the worst aspect of all this. Imagine playing a racing game and having to constantly watch the speed of your car, and then actively sabotage yourself by lowering the km/h to match the magic numbers.
Imagine feeling nervous while your RPG character is at level 6, and having to play until they get to 7, even though you are sleepy and it’s late at night and you are working mornings.
Imagine, then, getting at level 60 and having to be at 70 before you turn off the PC.
And then, I ask you to think: what does it mean to stay “late at night”? Is it, say, 4 in the morning? Is it… 6? The sun rose, you are feeling like shit, but you have to play one more hour, just to get the time to the good number, while your character is at a level that gives them a multiple of 7 as max HP, and then trying to have a good number of quests in your log. Gaming is fun, ain’t it not?
Well, this text is now 922 words long, which is OK, at least it’s not bad. But wait! Now it is 943, not as good, and now it is even more words, I can’t keep doing this, so bye. (But at the word bye, the number wouldn’t do, so I keep writing until it’s fine to finish this, I hope you learned something and had some fun, goodbye, and see you again). Phew, made it to 999.